Being A Grown Up Is Fun

Seder Quickie

I am on the search for the perfect Matzah Brie. In my searches, (with updates to come) I came across this Two-Minute Hagaddah for all jew impatients on Slate.com.

Opening prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.

The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.

If he'd parted the Red Sea—(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Missing Cat Found

Are you missing your cat that has a distinct feature, like say, extra toes? [CurbedNY]

Dani & Silvio

This is Dani and Silvio. She got him from a shelter 3 years ago, weighing in at 20 pounds. I found it on her facebook and at first I thought it was one of those fake pictures but it really is her and her cat.
Love it.

Family

Tis the season and that means it's family time, whether you like it or not. Just be happy, because it could always be worse...






More pics from AwkwardFamilyPhoto.com here.

Baby Name

Le-A

"It's pronounced Le-Dash-Uh. The dash aint silent."

Harper's Future

Photo by: Brynne

This is one of the greatest photos I have ever seen. My friend Harper, basically seeing her future right in front of her face. Love it!

Designer Masks

They beat me to it but the other day I saw this lady walking around with a funny facemask. Well now I don't have to research it, just go here: http://guestofaguest.com/nyc-fashion/get-your-stylish-swine-flu-masks-now/

Names

Celeb baby names are generally weird these days. Naming children after inanimate objects like Blanket and Apple. Then there are the funny names, like Rita Book. One time a man called the office and his name was Nimrod. For reals.

This is Buster.

He's not mine but yes that is an I Phone he is next to. That's how small he is.

Overheard

Boy at bar was making us guess what country he was born in. Before we left, we still didn't know and long story short, he had my number. He texted me a clue.

"It was an Eastern European country."

My response: "Grandpa? Is that you?"

Sexy Food

NYMag had a link to a cookbook a couple weeks back that was entertaining. It's called "Cook To Bang" and as they worded it oh so perfectly, "For the douchebag stockbrokers who can't make it rain at Tenjune anymore." I have to say though, this has been done before. Due to being homeless at the moment, my things are scattered throughout the metropolitan area and I can't find the book right now but I have something that is strikingly similar.

When I was at my grandparents house two years ago, I found a couple of cookbooks I was allowed to take home with me. One of them had a similar theme. Finding such a book in my grandparents collection was disturbing and funny at the same time. I guess the women who wrote it had come to talk to the folks at thier development. It was filled with easy enough recipes that I wanted it but they were all sexually themed. The names of the dishes were all erotic and hysterical. Basically, what you will find in Cook To Bang. Rock on plagerism!

My Wednesday Night

What's the difference between a pr rep and a publicist? Either way, I was doing my job!

Photo of the day

My love of Intervention+ my love of meth+my fantasy of life as a musical= THIS!

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die