NYC Subway Etiquette

Lets just start from the beginning of the trip and work our way to the end on what SHOULD be protocol for subway riding.

Walking to the subway:
•If it’s rush hour, or a particularly crowded train, fighting through people to get down the stairs to the platform when the train has clearly already either shut it doors or taken off, will only get you to the platform with a couple more bruises. You aren’t making a train. You aren’t getting to you destination faster. Just chill for 15 seconds, and then proceed to make your way to the platform.
Getting on an empty train:
•Women in heels should be given seats. Preggers goes without saying. The fact that I have given my seat up is sad. Granted, sometimes it’s hard to tell if someone is pregnant or just wearing a bad shirt, but when in doubt, I guess just give it up. But don’t stare me down burning holes in my forehead because I don’t. Perhaps I just didn’t notice you were missing a leg, or I have my own issues that day and need this seat. If you are clearly in more need then me, I will give it to you. This unfortunately is not a situation where I know next time someone will give me their seat, because they wont. They almost never do. Not everyone can be having a twisted ankle day. Take my seat, just give me your shoes and you can wear my heels.
•Oh! And once you are sitting next to me, if you are so drunk, every time the train stops you slide into me, perhaps you should move closer to a pole you can hang on to.
•Don’t open your newspaper so far that it’s in my face too. Thanks.
Getting on a crowded train:
•Push me, shove me, all I think of is that video from Japan. I guess it could always be worse. But be somewhat respectful. Sure, I could be having sex with the person next to me and not even know cuz we are so jammed tight, but don’t elbow me in the face to reach the pole in front of my face and no where near you so you can hang on. The train is crowded enough that you aint going nowhere. This applies even more so when you are dealing with a bad case of BO, which most of the time, you are.
•And please, keep your mouth shut with that stank ass breath. When you are in the train, its one thing to ask people to move in when there is room to spare, but during rush hour, there prob is not. Simple math. Room equals adjust and move or you’ll get yelled and pushed.
Getting off the train, crowded or not, but someone is blocking the door:
•A simple yet firm ‘excuse me’ should do if they haven’t figured out they are in the most inconvenient spot possible. If you happen to be ‘that person’, step out of the train if you really don’t want to move further in. Yes, it’s not helping the people outside the train either, but if you are so insistent on keeping your spot, don’t force me to get hit by the door. Think of it like a concert. Sometimes standing room spots suck, but it always ends up moving around. Plus, its mass transportation for Christ sake. You’ll be there soon enough.
Hygiene:
•Please try to sneeze, cough, snort, breathe, sleaze, hack everything in a minimal way. Don’t do it into the back of my head, in my face, on my hand, on your hand which then touches the pole my hand is on or just touches my hand in general.
Walking around the subway:
•I’ve written this one before. YOU may not be in a hurry but I always am. Walk in somewhat of a straight ass line, and move over if you wanna take your non New Yorker paced time.
•And don’t even think about hitting me with your bag or your dagger eyes cuz I’ll shank you.
While I’m on the subject of etiquette, Umbrellas In The City:
•It’s not a fight to the death. Just be aware of your surroundings a little but more. Lift it up or to the side when passing in close quarters.
•Say your are sorry if you know you hit someone.
•Close it 1 second before you stop in your tracks and hold everyone else up behind you so you don’t get a drop wet. It’s raining. It will dry. Get over it.