My family has its problems. We've got divorces, rivalries, enemies, racists, drama queens, gays, homophobes, hippies, red necks, millionaires, crazies, and a whole lot more. Tonight, being the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanna, I went to my dads brothers house. The past two nights were with my mom.
My mom has been dating Phil on and off for about 4 years now, if not more. One of his sons is 18 and autistic. He and I don't really talk much when he is around but he is a nice kid. Anyways, we are eating dinner and hes in the TV area and we just hear the phone noise, like when you dial a wrong number. It keeps happening and Phil keeps telling him to put his phone away. Jordan keeps saying he isn't doing anything but I guess didn't realize we could hear the dial tones. So finally Phil had to take his phone back and explained to us that Jordan loves politics and his favorite people are Lou Dobbs and Larry King. He constantly calls them on the phone to talk. He thinks their numbers are 1-800-Lou-Dobbs and 1-800-Larry-King.
Tonight, surprisingly was tame for a Meyers shindig. The most drama was caused by my aunt's boyfriend. This man has caused so much stress in our family it blows my mind how he is still around. He is definitely on pills for sure, who knows if there are other things. But he is burnt out of his mind as well. He's rude, aggressive, and creepy. My cousin and aunt have the worst relationship because of him. People become hostile and uncomfortable when he is in a room. They just cant help it and he just doesn't give a shit. He is so immature that tonight, after a dinner of rude comments, he walks in on my aunt showing my other aunt photos online from her trip to the Andes and saw a photo flash that he didn't like of himself. He literally screeched 'fuck' and storms out of the house saying he will be int he car. He comes back in a minute later, complains to my 14 year old cousin who lives there and was watching TV that he cant watch the sports game, goes back into the computer room, yells a bit more at my aunt, and then storms out saying he was leaving and he left. Cool life. Apparently he isn't like this around anyone else but us. I find that hard to believe.
We were all discussing how there was really only one time he was in the right to throw a hissy fit but even then, the way he did it was crap. My dad lives on a block that is overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. Therefore, it is surrounded by canals. Canals that flood when there is a storm. Rewind to 2 Thanksgivings ago. Storming of coarse. I start to drive my moms little 2 door, close to the floor, Benz and see water in the street up ahead. I'm about 5 blocks from dads. I wasn't sure how deep or far the water went but the closer I drove to the flood, the worse it looked. Sure enough, the water flooded up to 4 blocks from my dads and very, very deep. I have never seen it so bad. Peoples front lawns were under water. There was no way to drive it. Considering the fact that I would have given my left arm to not attend this dinner, I turned around and started driving home. Dad called and threatened. I had to turn around and try cuz everyone else made it. I parked the car away from the water and began walking. Soaked through in .5 seconds from the rain. The water got deeper and deeper. I lifted my pants but my shoes were already done for, completely submerged. 2 blocks in, the pants were the least of my worries. I was literally boob high in water. Dirty LI water. I tried to stick closer to the houses but its very hard to walk on front lawns with shrubbery when u cant see that stuff. I tripped and fell multiple times. 1 block to my dads, I literally had to start swimming to my dads house. SWIMMING TO THE HOUSE! The house itself is kinda on a hill so it wasn't under water and I slowly made my way up there. Talk about being spiteful... Once inside, my dad had given everyone clothes. They made it before it got too bad but I was pissed. Not as pissed as whatshisface though. He couldn't even handle sitting there for more then an hour. He stormed out freaking out about his car getting swept away. I mean, I cant really blame him but don't come in the first place!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Pop Culture References
Last night on Always Sunny, they talked about one of my all time favorite youtube videos...
NYC Subway Etiquette
Lets just start from the beginning of the trip and work our way to the end on what SHOULD be protocol for subway riding.
Walking to the subway:
•If it’s rush hour, or a particularly crowded train, fighting through people to get down the stairs to the platform when the train has clearly already either shut it doors or taken off, will only get you to the platform with a couple more bruises. You aren’t making a train. You aren’t getting to you destination faster. Just chill for 15 seconds, and then proceed to make your way to the platform.
Getting on an empty train:
•Women in heels should be given seats. Preggers goes without saying. The fact that I have given my seat up is sad. Granted, sometimes it’s hard to tell if someone is pregnant or just wearing a bad shirt, but when in doubt, I guess just give it up. But don’t stare me down burning holes in my forehead because I don’t. Perhaps I just didn’t notice you were missing a leg, or I have my own issues that day and need this seat. If you are clearly in more need then me, I will give it to you. This unfortunately is not a situation where I know next time someone will give me their seat, because they wont. They almost never do. Not everyone can be having a twisted ankle day. Take my seat, just give me your shoes and you can wear my heels.
•Oh! And once you are sitting next to me, if you are so drunk, every time the train stops you slide into me, perhaps you should move closer to a pole you can hang on to.
•Don’t open your newspaper so far that it’s in my face too. Thanks.
Getting on a crowded train:
•Push me, shove me, all I think of is that video from Japan. I guess it could always be worse. But be somewhat respectful. Sure, I could be having sex with the person next to me and not even know cuz we are so jammed tight, but don’t elbow me in the face to reach the pole in front of my face and no where near you so you can hang on. The train is crowded enough that you aint going nowhere. This applies even more so when you are dealing with a bad case of BO, which most of the time, you are.
•And please, keep your mouth shut with that stank ass breath. When you are in the train, its one thing to ask people to move in when there is room to spare, but during rush hour, there prob is not. Simple math. Room equals adjust and move or you’ll get yelled and pushed.
Getting off the train, crowded or not, but someone is blocking the door:
•A simple yet firm ‘excuse me’ should do if they haven’t figured out they are in the most inconvenient spot possible. If you happen to be ‘that person’, step out of the train if you really don’t want to move further in. Yes, it’s not helping the people outside the train either, but if you are so insistent on keeping your spot, don’t force me to get hit by the door. Think of it like a concert. Sometimes standing room spots suck, but it always ends up moving around. Plus, its mass transportation for Christ sake. You’ll be there soon enough.
Hygiene:
•Please try to sneeze, cough, snort, breathe, sleaze, hack everything in a minimal way. Don’t do it into the back of my head, in my face, on my hand, on your hand which then touches the pole my hand is on or just touches my hand in general.
Walking around the subway:
•I’ve written this one before. YOU may not be in a hurry but I always am. Walk in somewhat of a straight ass line, and move over if you wanna take your non New Yorker paced time.
•And don’t even think about hitting me with your bag or your dagger eyes cuz I’ll shank you.
While I’m on the subject of etiquette, Umbrellas In The City:
•It’s not a fight to the death. Just be aware of your surroundings a little but more. Lift it up or to the side when passing in close quarters.
•Say your are sorry if you know you hit someone.
•Close it 1 second before you stop in your tracks and hold everyone else up behind you so you don’t get a drop wet. It’s raining. It will dry. Get over it.
Walking to the subway:
•If it’s rush hour, or a particularly crowded train, fighting through people to get down the stairs to the platform when the train has clearly already either shut it doors or taken off, will only get you to the platform with a couple more bruises. You aren’t making a train. You aren’t getting to you destination faster. Just chill for 15 seconds, and then proceed to make your way to the platform.
Getting on an empty train:
•Women in heels should be given seats. Preggers goes without saying. The fact that I have given my seat up is sad. Granted, sometimes it’s hard to tell if someone is pregnant or just wearing a bad shirt, but when in doubt, I guess just give it up. But don’t stare me down burning holes in my forehead because I don’t. Perhaps I just didn’t notice you were missing a leg, or I have my own issues that day and need this seat. If you are clearly in more need then me, I will give it to you. This unfortunately is not a situation where I know next time someone will give me their seat, because they wont. They almost never do. Not everyone can be having a twisted ankle day. Take my seat, just give me your shoes and you can wear my heels.
•Oh! And once you are sitting next to me, if you are so drunk, every time the train stops you slide into me, perhaps you should move closer to a pole you can hang on to.
•Don’t open your newspaper so far that it’s in my face too. Thanks.
Getting on a crowded train:
•Push me, shove me, all I think of is that video from Japan. I guess it could always be worse. But be somewhat respectful. Sure, I could be having sex with the person next to me and not even know cuz we are so jammed tight, but don’t elbow me in the face to reach the pole in front of my face and no where near you so you can hang on. The train is crowded enough that you aint going nowhere. This applies even more so when you are dealing with a bad case of BO, which most of the time, you are.
•And please, keep your mouth shut with that stank ass breath. When you are in the train, its one thing to ask people to move in when there is room to spare, but during rush hour, there prob is not. Simple math. Room equals adjust and move or you’ll get yelled and pushed.
Getting off the train, crowded or not, but someone is blocking the door:
•A simple yet firm ‘excuse me’ should do if they haven’t figured out they are in the most inconvenient spot possible. If you happen to be ‘that person’, step out of the train if you really don’t want to move further in. Yes, it’s not helping the people outside the train either, but if you are so insistent on keeping your spot, don’t force me to get hit by the door. Think of it like a concert. Sometimes standing room spots suck, but it always ends up moving around. Plus, its mass transportation for Christ sake. You’ll be there soon enough.
Hygiene:
•Please try to sneeze, cough, snort, breathe, sleaze, hack everything in a minimal way. Don’t do it into the back of my head, in my face, on my hand, on your hand which then touches the pole my hand is on or just touches my hand in general.
Walking around the subway:
•I’ve written this one before. YOU may not be in a hurry but I always am. Walk in somewhat of a straight ass line, and move over if you wanna take your non New Yorker paced time.
•And don’t even think about hitting me with your bag or your dagger eyes cuz I’ll shank you.
While I’m on the subject of etiquette, Umbrellas In The City:
•It’s not a fight to the death. Just be aware of your surroundings a little but more. Lift it up or to the side when passing in close quarters.
•Say your are sorry if you know you hit someone.
•Close it 1 second before you stop in your tracks and hold everyone else up behind you so you don’t get a drop wet. It’s raining. It will dry. Get over it.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Girl Power
Pretend you are working at a philanthropy event in the evening. The party ends, you're a little buzzed and want to go out but no one else does. You go alone, to a hotel bar, knowing that you can pick up some lonely man. Said lonely man picks you up just as planned. Buys you the most expensive drinks on the menu. 40 something man then takes you in a cab, to go back to his place of coarse. Said 40 something man asks your age, and you lie, actually making yourself younger for kicks. Then about picking up condoms and you say there will be no need for those. He asks you if it bothers you if his son, who happens to actually be a year older then you (if he knew your real age), being home and awake will bother you. You say no and wonder if he's cute. You get to the apartment and make out. You confirm the son is in fact cuter then the father. You go to the bathroom for a breather. Things are spinning. After complete inspection of man's bathroom, you find curious feminine objects. Many things race through your head. The items are too personal and specific to be there for your benefit. No way they have them as a courtesy. As you leave the bathroom you feel like you have to know. You somehow get this inkling and ask, "Do you have a girlfriend?". "Yes". Your heart pumps faster and faster and you ask her name. Then you go back to the bathroom and rummage through your bag for a pen and paper. You quickly write this note, "Dear Shelly, you're boyfriend is cheating on you. This is the 20 year old he brought home. You need to know. <3 GirlPower!", and stick it into the lotion bottle hoping she will find it but beforehand you take a photo of it on your phone so you remember you did this in the morning. As you leave the bathroom you state that you are not feeling well and you have to go home and bolt out the door as he says bye to the fake name you gave him at the bar.
Trend Alert
British presenters. Russell Brand did MTV and then Ricky Gervais' had a great success presenting at the Emmy's. They will take over. It's only a matter of time and I am excited. I am totally calling this one. Just like I did with purple!
Unnecessary News Details
Yesterday I was showing my friends this article from News of the World and saying how its rediculous how much more uncensored their journalism is. Today this horriying story ran in the Post with the most gruesom photos I have seen in a very long time and possibly ever in this paper. Not to mention the actual story is disturbing. It's just not necessary.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Office Quotes Chapter 4
Via IM sent to the wrong person (not even the entire thing):
Response to the IM: "This is Chris."
"The President is here and I was just told by secret service that he would light me up like swiss cheese!"
"So, what's the deal with maternity leave?"
Bossman "Do you have the address for 555 Park? Can you please make sure my assistant has it? What is the addres for 555 Park anyway? Please make sure everyone knows." Can you guess what the address is?
Me: "This is kinda cool. This girl lives in LA but works NY hours. So she avoids traffic cuz shes going into work at like 12pm every day."
Chris: "Um, no that means she goes in at 6am."
Response to the IM: "This is Chris."
"The President is here and I was just told by secret service that he would light me up like swiss cheese!"
"So, what's the deal with maternity leave?"
Bossman "Do you have the address for 555 Park? Can you please make sure my assistant has it? What is the addres for 555 Park anyway? Please make sure everyone knows." Can you guess what the address is?
Me: "This is kinda cool. This girl lives in LA but works NY hours. So she avoids traffic cuz shes going into work at like 12pm every day."
Chris: "Um, no that means she goes in at 6am."
Talent
I have yet to spot one of these posters by Poster Boy but now that im on the lookout, im sure I will. Great stuff!
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